Big pay, lots of cash, of course I’m going to go and piss it all away at a shitty fucking club that plays the same track over and over and over again. What else is money good for these days bar cigarettes and alcohol? I’m fucking kidding, going out brings me close to physical pain 9 times out of 10. Anyway, I unfortunately find myself out in this cesspool of a city, very inebriated due to many a beer and even more free shots, not a good mix.
The drama started when I was at the bar with my friend who nudges me and says, “Hey look M, that guy who walked in is pretty nice to look at (he wasn’t), he’s looking at you, do you know him?” and I look over and see a dumb-as-fuck dickhead who I went to school with. Everyone should be aware it’s never okay to fuck anyone you went to school with regardless of how many years have passed since graduation. It’s too reminiscent of your shitty high school days of no friends, eating alone, hating your existence in the library while everyone else was having a fucking wonderful time playing handball. God I was a fucking loser in high-school…
Anyway, on seeing this asshole, all I could think was, “Wow, you got hip, look at you, you absolute fucking loser. I remember you begging me to do your analytical essays for you, stupid cunt.” My friend of the time was an extremely pushy person and while I was out having a cigarette I saw, out of the corner of my eye, her go up to him and engage in conversation. Next fucking minute I get a slap to my ass from her, and then I turn around and feel a hand against my ass again, this time from the creep I’m going to refer to as ex-schoolboy. I kind of freak out because I hate being touched and give a ‘what the fuck’ face, he then told me it was a double-dare and in that fucking moment I remembered why my preferred sexual intercourse demographic is 5 years+ older than me. I cannot stand childishness, fucking gross.
As the night goes on I am fucking plastered and, again, I am outside having a cigarette wallowing in how much I am hating this night. I find myself sitting next to ex-schoolboy. I was doing the expected, “So what are you doing with your life now?” spiel and getting responses like, “Oh yeah just playing music and drinking, fuck getting a job I want to live,” etc., etc. Wow, that’s really the way you pull a pussy. Maybe when I was 15 I was intrigued by the whole pretentious musician outlook on life but nowadays, if you don’t have a job and enough money to wine and dine me, I am repulsed. No matter how well you can play your instruments in your shitty, garage, psychedelic, surf rock band with all your friends all clad in double denim and corduroy, full faced beards, dedicating songs to their pathetic fucking tambourine girls; I do not want your cock. It’s people like you who get hard to watching themselves fuck in the mirror.
Getting to the interesting part, I realise this fuckwit’s arm is around me, being the awkward person that I am kind of just went with it, I assumed he was drunk, and I was kind of cold, so it worked. A few minutes later, he was holding my hand, kissing the side of my face (I say the side because he was trying for the mouth and I was relocating them because I felt slightly pedophiliac about it all, he was a year older than me) and the next I was in a cab with him on the way back to his place. Fuck.
Anyway, went back to his house and a lot of my old friends were there so I spent a while conversing, then I made the horrible mistake of getting up to go and pee. I was intercepted in the hallway by a drunken kiss and literally dragged to his dad’s bedroom (he wasn’t home and it made me feel like a fourteen year old girl again, gross). He laid down on the bed and I remember standing there awkwardly for a while not really wanting to lie down because I didn’t really want to touch him, but then a thought ricocheted through my mind, “This is the boy my ex-high-school best friend had an infatuation with since preschool, it’d be so funny if I hooked up with him so I could tell her for reaction value,” (the reaction value was good, she was so angry) so I went and sat next to him and literally five seconds later this cunt had used all of his body force to pin me down and suck on my face open-mouthed. Repulsive.
I was not intending this to go anywhere more than an innocent kiss, nor did I let it, but this guy was fucking begging for it, and I mean literally. After about 15 minutes of me wishing I had held my piss in I say, “Oh my friend is outside, she doesn’t really know anyone I’m going to go back out,” I get the response, “No, she’s fine, don’t worry,” and as I was getting up I was pulled, full force back on to the bed. Then I hear the sound that is so familiar and had left such a horrible imprint on my mental frame after 6 years of awful sexual experiences, the belt buckle.
Anyway, his cock was out now, and I kind of just looked at it, laughed and told him it wasn’t going to happen. This is the worst part. We then proceeded to have an argument that went 100% no joke, like this:
Me: “No, I am not touching your cock”
Him: “Please, I just need this so much right now”
Me: “It’s not happening”
Him: “It would give me so much self-confidence”
Me: “Oh fuck this”
Him: “Please, just a blowjob, it would be such a nice thing for you to do”
Me: “Not happening”
Him: “ A hand job? My mother died, all I need is this, and it would make me feel so much better about my life”
“My mother died.”
What the actual fuck!? Who says that? Losing a parent, so upsetting etc., etc, I’m not a fucking sympathetic person, I don’t really care. I knew his mother was dead; she died when we were in grade two or something, I can’t really remember. That’s how long ago it happened and he was still playing that card?! Let alone using it to gain sexual favours? Honestly I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped. In that instant I got up, went outside, called a cab and on exit told his friends to teach little ex-schoolboy some bedroom etiquette because he was disgusting. He heard that, he went red. It was fucking hilarious. I hope his dead mother watches him masturbate alone in tears in disgust. That line is so fucked up.
This fucking retard then proceeded to tell all of our mutual friends that we in fact, did fuck that night. Such a cunt… It’s okay though because I used his lies to my advantage, every time a friend of his asks me if I engaged in sexual intercourse with him, I just spin it off into an elaborate almost-rape story; have fun trying to get another girl into your father’s bed you stupid fuck.
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Thanks for the submission. It’s comforting to know that guys feel the full wrath of the premature ejaculation too x
Saloon bar, for those who don’t know it’s one of gippslands main feeding grounds for horny males; the following story took place on my third trip.
There I was inside the dance floor, I’d had a bit to drink that night so I was dancing around like a madman trying to source some attractive women who might make out with me, no such luck. Until this ginger girl approached me, I already knew her name because we have mutral friends, as most people do In the valley. She’s pretty geeky but I find that kinda hot sometimes, or atleast that was my reasoning at the time. So we make out, she offers for me to stay at hers and me being the bloke I am accepted, we get to her pink unicorn filled room and I’m instantly turned off , so I bite my tongue and get down to it..
Literally 5 minutes in and she’s going of like a porn star, even though I’ve just started. then suddenly she orgasms, and warm stick vagina juice gushes out, the entire single bed is soaked and she jumps off and runs to the bathroom. So here I am, still erect and laying in a puddle of semen thinking to my self ‘why the fuck am I here?’. Eventually she emerges from the shower still trembling and offers me a shower, I go and clean myself up expecting her to attend to the mess, boy was I wrong. After a cold night on a soaking wet towel cuddling a ginger girl I wasn’t even attracted to I finally get home and I take the longest sit-down shower of my life!
Since then I’ve never gone home with a girl from saloon bar.
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Remember, our submission box is always open for those awful sexual experiences of your’s, too. We know we’re not the only ones left disappointed after certain shags. Write one up for us, it’s totally therapeutic and anonymous. Mwah.
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Anonymous asked: HOLY CRAPP KITTY COUITIS AND VOMIT COCK ME AND MY BOYFRIEND ARE DYING!!
I hope you two engage in mind-blowing sexual intercourse tonight.
many wishes + orgasms
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My cat lives in my room. I had an unfortunate incident losing my rag doll to the road a year prior to adopting her, and as a result of my trauma I keep her confined to my room unless supervised.
This was not the first episode of carnal knowledge she had witnessed. I like to think it all compensated for her loneliness. In fact, on account of the constant “self-cleaning” she does on her genitals, I’d say she has her tongue up her ass because she’s turned on by the nooky.
This particular incident occurred post-coitus. My boyfriend at the time and I were dousing ourselves in the afternoon light seeping through my window, listening to the gentle wind in the trees outside. My eyes were not particularly focused when I heard an “OH MY GOD, NO!” and suddenly my vision was fixed. My cat’s tongue tracing his penis.
What the fuck else can I say? She’s her mothers daughter.
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This is a story from my most recent sexual escapade.
So lets start at setting the scene. I was seeing this guy, he was obviously aesthetically below me, I would like to hope I’m a solid 6/10, and i would say he is a generous 3/10 without personality, -10/10 if personality were even included. I don’t know why but I enjoy going for guys below me in regards to looks as i feel like they would feel blessed, I basically am a saint doing a deed some would like to compare to the ‘make-a-wish-foundation’. Anyway, he was coming over for about the forth time in the one week, i was horny and wanting to engage in some degrading gratification on my behalf.
First thing he does is get into my room and take off his shoes, his shoes stink (and they were a really gross nike colorway); then he proceeds to take his shirt off, which revealed his half finished chest piece and to my suprise a really fucking fat stomach (i knew he had a bad diet but we will get to that later). Why i continued is really beyond me, but what can i say, i had just gone out of my way to buy ultaslim condoms from an asperges cashier at woolworths who couldn’t look at me whilst scanning the cock wrappers and had done the well known pre-sex-girl-prep. Anyway, i put a TV series on and lay there smelling fantastic with just an over-sized shirt on, he proceeds to start touching my undie line (before we have even kissed), fast-forward the bullshit and I am on top of him kissing him, his mouth tastes disgusting and I am really just hoping to get to the sex so i don’t have to taste his fucking rotting carcass of a mouth for any longer. He has an obvious erection he is trying to grind on my vagina through his pants in some sort of attempt to arouse me with this my-mother-is-home-shh sort of dry sex (?). I decide to give him a classic BJ as i think ‘hey if i give him a bj it might make him horny enough to premature ejaculate so i done have to endure this pathetic excuse of sexual arousal any longer’ so as i go down i do the ol’ tug-on-pants-so-he-pulls-them-down ‘thing’ he doesn’t respond, so i have to fucking unbutton and pull down his pathetic camo-shorts and bonds, his cock jumps out at me, I don’t really care about penis sizes but lets just say this one was disappointing, as disappointing as this fucking sexual experience. I start with the ol’ teasing of the penis, a bit of wanking, spitting this and that. I start giving him head and he starts to realize i can take a penis quite well into my throat, i got the impression he thought this was a main meal and not just a side, somewhat the way people get mistaken that ordering a side and nothing else at a restaurant is just rude, anyway back to the point, i think he thought that i was in this for the long haul, which is not the case, i wanted to at least orgasm twice tonight… I start sucking faster and getting close to getting tired and quitting, until the punchline, he shoves his cock so far down my esophagus i feel like it touched what i last fucking ate. I’m not one to ever gag but holy shit, i gagged so fucking hard with such a tight-throat grip (i think he really liked it or had just seen the movie donkey punch too many times) I made the most disgusting noise/face, and all that pre-vomit fountain of saliva poured all over his penis/stomach.
It was dark, it was quiet, so so quiet. I didn’t know if it was vomit or saliva, i couldn’t tell, so i made the life changing decision; i touched the penis as if so to start going on, but in reality i was checking the consistency, i didn’t know if it was vomit or if it was saliva, i go on and start to hesitatingly lick the penis to taste it, it was like bile saliva, i didn’t want him to know so i sucked it up (literally) and went on before he could realize.
My throat was so fucking sore, so i basically just wanked him off with my pre-vomit saliva until he blew, this is were diet comes into factor, if you are a male, and you feel the need/urge to come in and or near a girls mouth you have the responsibility of having decent tasting cum which means a decent diet, would any guy lick a prawn chip smelling vagina? No, thats what i thought. I hope his diet gives him some sort of gasto-intestinal disease, somewhat feeling like what his cum felt like in my stomach all night/morning. It’s kind of like the saying ‘which came first the chicken or the egg’, but in my case ‘which came first, the vomiting on the penis or the penis’s baby soup tasting so bad it made me vomit’ for now you can answer that question for me.
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Anonymous asked: seriously, i came across you guys this afternoon and i'm still reading now at 9pm, you really should put together a collection of these stories and take it to a publisher, it's all so funny and relatable! thanks for keeping it real! xx
That’s the best thing I’m sure we’ve all ever heard come out of this haha. Thank you so much from all of us and we are glad you’re relating to our horrific sexual experiences, it makes us feel less alone when we tuck ourselves in at night.
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aharmlessdrug asked: You guys 👏
We appreciate you giving us your affirmation as much as we appreciate the occasional orgasms we might receive from the opposite/same sex. So a fucking lot.
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I’ll start off with the fact that I’m not one of those girls that hate giving blow jobs, I actually like giving them, and not because of the famous “give head to get head” saying. I like pleasing others, sexually or not. I’ll stop with the sappy shit now and get to the story.
I was at this guys house, who happens to have journal entries about me… We aren’t anything, not even seeing each other. We’ve just fucked a few times, yet he feels the need to write about me like we are lovers. (Wow, I must be THAT good at sucking dick.) So anyway, we were having sex, I was on top and didn’t want him to cum in me so I made my way down and started sucking him off. I was going at it for a good 15-20 minutes, deep throat and all. He was about to cum and I was aware of that. Let me just say, I’m not a swallower, I really don’t like it. I mean, if it was James Franco’s cum it would be a different story. I’d swallow and live off his cum for breakfast, lunch and dinner but the fact is it was a pretentious fuckwits cum and I just wasn’t ready for what was about to happen. He came straight into my mouth, like a spraying hose. 3 loads of the shit. It was dripping out of my mouth. I felt like a true whore. I kept it in my mouth for a while contemplating spitting it on his face but let’s be honest, that wasn’t going to happen. I swallowed it like a good bitch would and let me tell you, I was about to vomit. I could think of swallowing much better things rather than 3 loads of chlorine tasting cum. So yeah, that happened. He got his jollies off and there I was, laying naked on the bed with a severe case of penis breath still horny and yet to cum. If I was a girl who had the amazing ability to squirt I would have made him fuck me senseless and squirt all over his fucking stupid fucking face. Anyway, he finally went down on me and put a couple of fingers in me at the same time and it wasn’t good, it really was below average. His beard felt rough on my pussy and his fingers weren’t doing anything for me. I was thinking “you can’t even make me cum, despite the fact I just swallowed a glass full of yours.” So basically, I pretended to cum so he would stop and so I could go to sleep and wake up the next morning and get the fuck out of there. Overall, it was a horrible experience and I won’t be swallowing cum for a long time.
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I’m going to cut the bullshit with this one and just get right down to the reason why every single time I see this guy, my skin crawls.
This ‘Lurch of the Addams Family’ looking fucker was so creepy I actually never engaged in sexual intercourse with him… I just couldn’t bring myself to it and that says a lot coming from me (See Monopolized by Semen).
The way I started seeing him was kind of fucked, he thought that I was someone else even though he had met me before and described my outfit, the time of day and what I said to him even though it was 3 months prior to me even talking to him via shitty social media. Stupid, fucking dumb cunt. Fast-forward, we end up going to coffee, skip again and I’m over at his house. It was a huge mistake on my part.
First time I was over there he told me his fucking life story, caressed me, talked about his problems, and then went in for the kiss literally five hours after I got there. At this point I didn’t know really much about his strange antics. Just thought it’d be a quick fuck and move on with my life. Thought he was interesting enough. We started kissing, he bit my lip, which I generally like but this bite made my lip start pissing out blood. I stopped, nursed my bloody lip for about five minutes until he proceeded to bite it again. Fucking hell this cunt didn’t know what a pain threshold was. I’m really awkward in the bedroom so I just internalized my pain and had a laugh about the blood (when in reality the sight of it made me close to pass out) he then proceeded to undress himself while I stayed fully clothed and explain in detail how he loves being a ‘slave.’
Okay, so I kind of understand BDSM, cool. You either like being hurt or getting hurt right? I’m not into that, not with the name-calling and the leather and the chains and whatever else. It seems like a lot of effort setting it all up and going on for hours. I don’t want to bring down my sexual reputation but I’m all for quick and easy, none of this, “Okay give me two mins I just need to get into my leather bodysuit with unzippable crotch and grab my riding crop, handcuffs and electrical penis torture device from the garage,” I don’t fucking think so. Just rip off my clothes and stick your cock in me and you won’t hear a complaint (until I unleash my sexual frustrations and your wrongdoings on here).
Anyway he was in these fucking old man, Bonds super tight brief underpants that made my pussy basically revirginise the sight was so off putting. I used all of my mental concentration and got past it, took my shirt off and thought I’d see where things went. Basically, what he did to me hurt so much once I got a chance I staged a fake a call and got the fuck out of there. He proceeded to dig his nails into my body and suck on my skin until the blood vessels felt like they were about to pop. I had bleeding scratches up and down my back and bruises ranging from my neck right down to my stomach and arms. I had to get the fuck out of there.
Anyway, I ended up going back, a few times. Stupid fucking me. He calmed down a bit and then he got way too comfortable again a few home-visits in. This was the last time I saw him in a ‘romantic’ sense. We were hooking up etc and he stops, goes over to a cupboard in his room and pulls out a gimp mask and says in a whisper voice (his voice reminiscent of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX3dXiS3mtw&feature=kp) to me, “I like to masturbate with this on.” I actually did not know how to react; it seemed like the kind of thing I’d tell a stranger to get a reaction. He then decided to put the gimp mask on and unzipped the mouth so he could kiss me. To be honest I’d rather watch him masturbate in front of me than touch him wile that slimy, possibly semen covered mask was over his head. I didn’t really know how to go about the situation on hand. Getting up and leaving would be rude; continuing with this would leave me with nightmares. I was fucked. He was on his bed, gimp mask on, and I told him I forgot to lock my door so I had to leave. Great excuse! He then said wait, stripped off ALL of his clothing (keep in mind this is the first time I’m seeing his cock) and stood there expecting a hug? Or a BJ? I don’t know. I kind of just stared at his dick for approx. 30 secs because, in all honesty, I had never seen anything like it before in my life. All I saw was bush it might as well been a fucking pussy. Now I’m not too sure if it was the intensity of his pubic hair or the size of his penis but I didn’t see a cock, swear on my goddamn life. I left immediately not saying goodbye and ceased all conversation to him and literally, moved to a different city.
My friends all know how uncomfortable his presence makes me, and yet they still set him up on dates with me. I have to continually make excuses to leave and they keep him hanging around me. All I can ever think is, “Gimp mask, small cock, gimp mask, small cock” over and over again. I can’t fucking cope in this prison that is my mind.
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This is an anonymous submission. Worthy of an upload.
Our sincerest condolences for your burning cock x
Ok. Let me start off by saying, handjobs can be terrifying.
Re-counting this has been like a Vietnam flashback.
So, after a particularly short “dry spell” I say short because for a dude, a day is considered a dry spell. If we’re not fucking we’re considered to have a cock disability, right?
Regardless, I decide to do some shopping in the shape of finding a girl willing to have sex with someone they barely know.
Long story short this particular girl, with low enough self esteem, works in a clothing store, let’s call it “X”. (Hint: You could describe anybody that works there with a word that rhymes with “Hunt”).
After a few drinks at a shitty bar so close to my house, I could almost hear my idiot of a roommate yelling obscenities from our porch. I use the perfect line “Fuck this place, I’ve got beer at mine”. Fucking. Class.
(You may think I’ve skipped over some of the details, but who wants to hear about me pretending to like The Notebook and having an interest in what her hobbies are. Fucking. Snore.)
She knows why we’re there, so I waste no time kicking my roommate into his room and going to work on the couch.
Straight away she goes in for the handjob, “Great” I think to myself. Wrong! She begins to jerk and twist like she’s trying to rip it from my body and wear my cock as a trophy. I can’t even begin to explain the levels of pain I was experiencing. Safe to say, the fake pleasure I was exhuming, was Oscar worthy. Anyway, this goes on for what feels like a lifetime, in between constant plays for her vagina by me. I was beginning to enter the “Bargaining” phase. One of the 5 stages of loss I believe. As by now I had lost all feeling in my cock and it was purely just for show. Only to be met with the line that even a man NOT experiencing a 800 degree inferno in his crotch has time for: “Not yet, it will be worth the wait”. Talk about putting the pussy on a pedestal. The only thing I would consider “Worth the wait” after this, would be a trip to the burns unit.
Finally, I can take no more and plead for intercourse, in the hopes that it will be soothing… Like plunging my dick into Antarctica. Wrong again. It stings. ” She’s taken 10 layers of skin off” I think to myself. I panic.
I come up with a cunning plan and execute it in this order:
Flail on top of her for 10secs. Check.
Fake Pre-mature ejaculation. Check.
Call her a cab. Check.
Apply soothing gel to my penis. Check.
Weep on the floor of my living room… Check.
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The thing with fucking someone you know is you probably know the same people. Though usually an easy target for an easy root, it is preordained they will share the secrets of your bedroom antics to your mutual friends.
While I am striving to feel less regret and shame for all of my actions, knowing people who you don’t want knowing the shape of your vulva or the “sweet” smell you left on their friend’s fingers most probably do? Well, there ain’t no word for the indignity I feel for that whole situation.
But then I remember- I know they make noises like a cow giving birth when they come, so I really don’t feel so bad.
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cocoobabe asked: OhhmGOD i love this blog, pls dont ever stop and keep enriching all our lives with everything your doing :D xoxo
We’ll only stop when we have given up on the elusive concept of good sex and locked ourselves in our bedrooms with The Notebook, a vibrator and efukt.com on our laptops.
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Anonymous asked: where do you guys find men? ive had so many shitty sex partners but nothing as bad as any of this hahahahah its so fucking funny ive read everything more than once, cant get enough of the reallness. go girls x
Surprisingly we have all had sex with fewer than ten men, we just manage to find some real shockers. I guess we choose the stories that really need to be told.
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