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50 Shades of Disappointment

A collection of unfortunate, real sexual experiences through the eyes of seven single friends.

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Two Bitches, One Dick (X and M)

This is the long awaited threesome story because as you know nothing brings two girls closer than a dual blowjob.  

 It was a crisp summers night and as two girls on holidays do, we were drowning our lonesome sorrows in heavy drinking and prescription drug use. The whole week prior we had been dabbling in a great amount of Valium and the occasional sleeping pill. We were weighing up our options of how to spend our leisure time in a shitty city where everything closes at 8pm, bar the god-forsaken tavern we’d always end up at. As we were sitting in the bogan-crowded, dirty smoking section of the shithouse tavern lacking affection and company bar the two gay guys who were with us (obviously they wouldn’t give us the cock we so sorely needed) so to put it bluntly we decided to share a male on this lonely evening, because it’s hard enough getting one, fuck try getting two. One way too easy text message later and we had a moderately attractive old friend of ours sitting across from us while we drank beer and gave him the eyes.

We were telepathically communicating between us thinking, “Oh yeah we can totally do this, it’s just another thing to check off the bucket list,” and, “Good friends share men, right?” and that’s exactly what we did. We ended up moving from the tavern to the beach side table, which was nice enough. At this point we were severely inebriated so we decided to come out with, “Hey fuckwit, why don’t you kiss both of us,” to which he did. X kisses him and then M goes in for sloppy seconds (we really do bring out the worst in each other, which you’ll learn from this story if you haven’t already yet). We both made our way laughing about what had just occurred to reach the car. We then proceeded to drive (pissed) to an old marijuana fucked friends house where we smoked his weed and bailed upon M getting creepy looks from Masturbation in Gimp Mask sitting across from us.

So by this point we would like to reinstate we were absolutely pissed, stoned and out of our fucking minds on prescriptions. Not a good mix for two horny/lonely girls. We arrive home, safely thank god, in a moment of reinforcement we both spent about ten minutes convincing the other that we weren’t fucking around. It went kind of like this:

 X: “I’m not fucking around here M, I’m dead serious, I hope you are too.”

M: “I swear to god X I’m so serious, we’ve come too far to turn back now.”

X: “We’ve already kissed him we may as well.”

M: “Okay, let’s do this, fuck I’m going to have to shave my vagina.”

X: “Me too, let’s just have a shower together and get the ball rolling.”

We entered the bedroom and went straight upstairs where we continued to pour ourselves more drinks, this time in the form of half a glass of vodka, mixed with a peach ice tea. We both skulled it down (like the semen we later consumed) and then moved onto the gin. We got into the shower together, grabbed a razor and went to town on our overgrown pubic hair, we said “fuck it” to legs and armpits because we didn’t have enough time, fuckwit was on his way, just make sure the pussy is half acceptable for penis contact without razor burn. We exited the bathroom and talked it through, what was acceptable, what wasn’t (lets face it, at this point, nothing was off limits). We ran around the room frantically lighting candles and playing music to set the horribly unromantic mood. Fuckwit arrived (for more information on fuckwit, see I Sucked His Dick And All I Got Was Semen) and in that moment, we were live. The threesome was about to unfold. You see, us both being new to the whole threesome thing we didn’t really know how to set it off. We laid in the bed awkwardly with the candles burning and the calm music playing and fuckwit in the middle of us. Him insisting that we were fucking with him.

In a moment of alcohol fuelled passion X flung upwards and engaged in a kiss with fuckwit. After this it all started to unravel, M beings to kiss fuckwit and the clothing begins to come off. We both lied together while this dickhead decided suck our nipples for a bit (mmm so pleasing) and then went down on us one at a time, and then alternating between the both of us. It was a fucking feeble attempt at getting us off; it felt like he was a lost puppy lapping up water after going a few days without. He also had a rough as fuck beard that felt like it was giving us chafe like the days of waterparks in board shorts.

You give head to receive head, right? So basically, we knew what had to be done. We looked at each other and did the slight nod of approval, since we were in this together; we made our way down together. We both started sucking him off at the same time, both taking turns individually but mostly, both of our mouths were on this fuckwits cock simultaneously. Deep throat by both and all. At this point we were running out of threesome ideas, we had done the obligatory heterosexual things and thought if we had come this far, why not go the whole nine yards? We’re good friends, better acquainted now obviously, we started hooking up with each other much to fuckwits pleasure and while he was kissing one of us we made our way down to lesbianism. Yes that’s right people, you read that correctly. We did a better job then this fuckwit did.

After seeing this whole thing go down he was ready for the intercourse. Us girls being very disease conscious and not knowing where he’s been asked if he had a condom at the ready. He said no and that was just not fucking acceptable. So we tell him to go and purchase some if he wants to fuck either of us. He sighed and said, “Are you fucking kidding me,” we looked at him and said, “No, we’re dead serious, get those pants on and get going.” He explained to us when he got back how he entered the 7/11 with scratches and hickeys all over his neck and chest and purchased condoms with an erect penis, apparently the guy at the shop was pissing himself laughing at this cock hole. He came back, condoms in hand and while he was gone we were both half asleep and ready for bed from all of the nights drug abuse.

He entered the bedroom rearing and ready to go, condom already unwrapped in hand to two girls lacking enthusiasm. He definitely tried to get some sort of intercourse out of us, he half entered M and that’s when we both decided, this could go no further. We both rolled over and said, “Nah, this is just not happening, we’re no longer interested,” he was disappointed to say the least, it looked like we had broken his heart and given him blue balls simultaneously. M then passed out, sprawled on the bed and poor, poor X had to spend the remainder of the night in another room with this dickhead.

All X wanted to do was go to sleep, which was understandable but this fuckhead was acting like a girl who had just been fucked and wanted to talk it all out. The gender roles were really reversed here. He was proclaiming his love for X over years of suffering in silence and X was cringing having to listen to this bullshit drivel. The sad thing is, M escaped this scot free, whereas I (X) went back for a second helping. I not only started seeing this cunt out of a drunken almost-threesome, but I also swallowed three loads of his gritty tasting cum which I will never fucking forget.

All we can say to wrap this up is that we need to reconsider our drunken/drugged decisions and stick to threesomes with guys who won’t attach. Just remember folks, good friends share men.

 - X&M

http://xkcdsw.com/content/img/2030.png

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Don’t stare into my eyes, longing for affirmation when you’re going down on me. 

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XXX strong clit

This is going to be a little quickie, not a disappointing sexual experience (if you could even call any that.)

I was staying at a male friends house (yes i say friend but refer to vomit cock for identity) and i was having a lovely shower before I had to put my vagina/ throat through another night of torment. 

He had a female house mate, so the shower product selection was impressive, i had quiet a fun time in there to say the least. I used at least 2 shampoos and conditioners, used her razor, and just pretty much took advantage of that shower like a relief teacher. As i nearly come to a conclusion of the shower experience I end up at one of those body washes that feels the need to tell you how many ‘whatevers’ they’ve used to make that shower gel.

This one was the mens ‘XXX extra strong mint’, being summer and being idiot me I decided to give this one a go, as I thought it’d give me a slight cooling body tingle. So I start lathering this gel all over my body and being an idiot I think ‘maybe if I wash my vagina with this it might taste minty when i force this cunt to lick my vagina for once.’ I don’t know why i even considered his taste buds (?) because all he ever did for my taste buds was make my mouth taste like what he ate two weeks prior that had decomposed/ and bile *refer to vomit cock*. But lets just clarify this was a fucking disgraceful decision. My vagina automatically went red and started burning, and I mean burning. I think i may have let out a little whimper, somewhat the sound of me getting fucked, as I sat on the floor of his shower, legs spread eagle trying to get this satan spawn wash out of my vagina. My vagina got all these little red bumps on it and wouldn’t stop burning for at least 48 hours, and the worst part is i actually ended up having sex with him, which felt like a grater was being taken to my insides. Moral of the story, don’t put anything even slightly minty near your vagina or you’ll end up looking like you’ve scabies on your vagina and an enlarged labia. 

- Z

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gildedcosmos asked: How does one get reviewed?

Have sex with us and make it interesting, use your imagination, go wild. The more creatively bad the better really. Then check this blog on a regular basis- you might have made it.

Good luck.

XO A

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World Map of Average Penis Size by Nationality

Ask the guy you’re interested in “What’s your nationality?” and then check if it’s worth your time. 

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milkilla asked: hahahah was looking through blogs that followed me and your url had me wondering but holy shit this is hilarious ahahhaha

Very glad that you enjoy our terrible sexual experiences. They make us cringe but as long as you find the humour in them it really keeps us going and not plummeting into a downward spiral of internalised humiliation and heavy drinking. 

- M

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Dick pics are never hot

- Z

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The Man Who Lost His Way (Intentionally)

This is a documentation of my latest sexual experience.

I was somehow roped into going and getting a beer with two of the most annoying people in the world at a bar in my suburb. I was in immense amounts of intellectual pain as I kept running out of small talk to entertain these girls with so I jumped on any other conversation I could find; the best coming from this mildly attractive, trendy as fuck guy that I apparently had a class at uni with a year ago (how he remembered me is concerning.)

Let me get this straight right, he had the classic long hair tucked behind ears, pretentious looking glasses (he claimed they were prescription but something that obnoxiously hipster could only have been picked up at a thrift store) and was wearing denim on denim, he was very fucking trendy it almost felt I was scrolling through a Tumblr dashboard just looking at him. We got talking, he was a pretty interesting guy, had a decent job, so in a moment of ‘thinking with my pussy’ I thought, “Hey, why not take him up on the offer to go back to his place.” I had it set in my mind there would be no sex, because apparently in my head I’m not that type of girl (positive affirmation).

Anyway, I get in his car and he drives to his (parents) house which was a decent hour away with no chance of public transport out of there so basically, I was in it for the long haul. It was nice enough, smoked a few cigarettes, talked about some pointless shit, he then out of nowhere said to me, “I have never met a person who comes across as cold and as cruel as you,” that was kind of a mood killer, I just awkwardly laughed and challenged it and then he came out with the weird line, “I don’t know why, I’m just really wondering what it would feel like to kiss you right now,” again I said, “Shit, that’d put a lot of pressure on the situation,” and dismissed it. He then proceeded to tell me I had a nice name and that it reminded him of his grandmother and how a man molested him… I was cringing so hard; I just let him go on.

We then move to the bed, he told me some bullshit story about how his laptop charger was broken so we’d have to skip the movie (sleazy move). I was mid sentence about my fear of blood when he basically pounced and intercepted my conversation with a huge, opened mouthed kiss. Romantic.

Things moved pretty fast, basically as soon as the kiss went down he had his hands down my pants; I felt pretty awkward about the whole situation but had consumed enough alcohol to let it happen. I then, obviously, went to reciprocate by touching his cock and he basically jumped back and said, “Now, I don’t want you to freak out if you find any lumps on my dick, I don’t have any diseases,” Wow, that’s really fucking reassuring. Of course I’m not going to want to touch your cock now that you’ve informed that it’s lumpy. I didn’t really know what to do and if I didn’t go on I’m sure he would have been offended, as he would be thinking I thought he had diseases or something. My mind wouldn’t stray from that comment so I asked him to put a condom on before I touched his dick. Talk about uncooperative…

Anyway things moved forward and he was going down on me in some weird positions, his tongue hit my asshole and I thought he may have just lost his way but a bit too much time passed and I found myself thinking, “Fuck is this guy giving me a serious rimjob?” I was pretty uncomfortable to start with but I didn’t want to ruin his moment so I let him go. I hate to say it wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Anyway after that he whispered in my ear (seductively?), “I’ve never felt so compelled to lick someone’s butthole before,” I have never been so shocked in my life (bar gimp mask) I didn’t know what to say. It was so awkward because I started laughing really hard. He got offended.

Push comes to shove and we have intercourse (he tried to put it in my ass a few times I was scared), it was half decent though. I didn’t know I was that flexible, he had me in a half backwards somersault at one point and I forgot about the sex and started thinking, “Fuck I wish someone could take a picture of this and send it to the dance teacher who never allowed me in the Can-Can because I wasn’t limber enough, fucking bitch,” He also tried to titty fuck me there for a little while, I didn’t think he was serious about it but apparently, he was. He then came without warning in my mouth; I manned up and swallowed, hating myself knowing that the next day I would be bedridden (semen doesn’t agree with me). I then went to sleep.

To put it bluntly, while in deep slumber enjoying my post-coitus relaxation, I was woken up to him having sex with me. Yes, that’s right, I woke up with cock inside me. Obviously I went with it. Not once, but twice. Fucking weird.

The next morning he held me in an embrace that I couldn’t get out of all night so I was really sweaty and gross. I made him drive me an hour home, he’s flown back to wherever the fuck he came from and messages me vulgar things when he’s drunk. He’ll be up again in a month; I’m scared for my assholes wellbeing. 

- M

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Anonymous asked: These stories are hilarious but holy fuck most of your posters are racist assholes

Apologies about the racial slurs. None of us are actually racist, just expressing our dislike for the partners that failed miserably in the bedroom.

- B

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Anonymous asked: One of the best blogs I've ever come across.

Thanks mate. Very much appreciated.

- B and X

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Anonymous asked: Brilliant just brilliant simply a spectacular read amazing effort keep up the good work

Thanks for the kind words. If only our sexual partners put the same effort into the bedroom as we do this blog. - X

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One Queef and it’s Over

Whilst sitting at a miserable coffee shop with some friends we managed to wrangle this submission out of a straight male. Enjoy.


I was seeing this girl for around a month, won’t lie she had a pretty shit personality and I was only seeing her because I heard she was an alright root from a few friends. At this point in I was able to overlook her terrible traits as a human being and her obvious lack of self respect not to mention she was hanging off me like a used condom. So one night I was around at her house, we were a fair few roots in and I was starting to feel more and more nauseous at the sight of her irritating face watching me while I woke up in the morning after sucking my dick the night before, longing for approval after swallowing my shameful load. You think that’s bad? Let’s get to the chase, I understand that girls queef, air sneeks in and makes funny noises during intercourse…that’s all well and good but this queef..this queef was the deal breaker. She didn’t feel particularly loose at the point of penetration but on this fateful evening my penis to vagina sag ratio was well off and about a minute in I endured the longest cunt fart in the history of western civilisation. It shook the walls of her house, her mum would have heard. It sounded like a wet shaved asshole doing the biggest trumpet fart after eating an off egg. It was the longest, most drawn out minute of my life. For the next 3 days I would think about the queef and shudder, I never thought a bad queef would turn me off someone completely, but lets just say I felt like throwing up at the thought of seeing her ever again. Ps who queefs DURING intercourse? I thought queefing only happened when you pulled out, but obviously there were no rules to this fateful queef.


Rating: 0/10 

- T

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Anonymous asked: Hahahahahahahahaha my favourite tumblr... I'm scared to have sex with girls now because it might be one of you guys

Don’t be scared, maybe just focus more on being a decent fuck for the parties involved and you might not make it on here. But if you do, at least you’re special enough to be remembered and written about. 

Thanks to all the men that have made this painfully possible.

- Z

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I Can Only Get Hard if I Give You a Rim Job

Lets just start by saying this night is a complete and utter mistake on my behalf on judgement, and just for generally being really shit at choosing some really dull and disgusting sexual experiences.

Lets set the scene as always so you fully understand this situation correctly; I was at a friends house (he is asian), he was a really close friend of mine in a really close friend group we had going at the time. Their house was kind of like one of those communal-crack-houses where you kinda rock up without warning, stay a few nights, eat all their food, trash their house and then just sort of leave. 

We were having one of our usual binge drinking nights at their house and it all got a bit out of hand with one of them being a bar tender and doing all of these fancy bar show-off tricks and pouring straight alcohol in our mouths.Lets just say that anyone that knows me knows that me and straight liquor is a recipe for utter messy mistakes. and or disaster.

Fast-forward the binge drinking and chain smoking and we end up at 3am and everyone is crashed and passing out, i decide to sleep with this close guy friend as i have stayed at his house so many times in his bed without a sleazy move at all. But this night i kind of felt like being a bit sleazy. So i got into his bed in just a shirt, he was being his usual flirty sort of drunk self and we spooned for a bit but then i did the teasing butt-rub-on-cock sort of spooning action. Blah Blah Blah we start making out, a few grabs here and there, i realize i haven’t shaved in a few days so back then being the pre-pubescent child pornography advocate i decide to run to the bathroom and do the worst thing known to a womens’ vagina; and shave after 2 days growth, dry shave, with a BLUNT RAZOR. Lets just say it literally ended in blood and tears, so i stay in the bathroom for lets say about 10 minutes trying to clean up this blood bath i have created on my vagina. I return to the room to find him completely naked laying on top of the covers kind of ‘waiting for me’ in a pose, it was creepy to say the least, and it didn’t seem like a joke, because no one laughed..

I ignore it as i am still blind drunk and horny, i turn off the lights so he cant make out that my vagina looks like an acne ridden teen that has just exfoliated with rocks. I get naked and all that jazz and he goes down on me (which was average as he was using enough teeth to dig back to china - his hometown down there.) He was trying to avoid me when i tried to pull him up (as i was over his attempts, which rarely happens as i love a good mouth in my pussy). I then realised why, he had whiskey dick. He then continues in a rapey manner to flip me over and try to lick my asshole without warning, i jolt up so hard like someone had electrocuted me. He was so eager and had a creepy puppy happy grin whilst for the split second he thought he was going to lick my asshole.

ME: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING”

HIM: “I can only get hard if I give you a rim job”

You can only get hard if you give me a rimjob? seriously? I can think of so many things that are better than giving rimjobs, maybe just not licking an asshole in general? phone calls with your mother? pasta? crying by yourself as you wank yourself into a raw coma? all those things i could probably get horny over before giving a rimjob becomes even in that list.

Lets just say I rolled over, judged him and went to sleep. He then did the asshole move and told everyone we fucked because he couldn’t admit that he cannot get hard unless he licks the most bacteria riddin crevice in a human body.

Rating: 0/10

 - Z

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Found the love of my life on a hookup app.

Found the love of my life on a hookup app.