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50 Shades of Disappointment

A collection of unfortunate, real sexual experiences through the eyes of seven single friends.

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"so laid back they call me recliner"

"so laid back they call me recliner"

Anonymous said: "to an old marijuana fucked friends house where we smoked his weed and bailed upon M getting creepy looks from Masturbation in Gimp Mask sitting across from us." That's a bit mean.

Grow some fucken balls mate

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Anonymous said: Hey ladies, just wanted to say i love your stories I actually wish i had some sex horror stories to share myself. I mean dont get me wrong i've slept with some total fuckwits like one guy who wouldn't even take off his pants the whole way and then proceeded to flop on top of me while blocking my breathing with his shoulder jammed in my face! oh and a guy who was a phantom cummer (wouldn't show any indication that he had cum and would just stop before i even finished). Anyway great stories! :)

Sounds like you’ve been though some hardships. We feel for you. Thanks for the love

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Anonymous said: What do you girls use to masturbate with

Our fists

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Two Bitches, One Dick (X and M)

This is the long awaited threesome story because as you know nothing brings two girls closer than a dual blowjob.  

 It was a crisp summers night and as two girls on holidays do, we were drowning our lonesome sorrows in heavy drinking and prescription drug use. The whole week prior we had been dabbling in a great amount of Valium and the occasional sleeping pill. We were weighing up our options of how to spend our leisure time in a shitty city where everything closes at 8pm, bar the god-forsaken tavern we’d always end up at. As we were sitting in the bogan-crowded, dirty smoking section of the shithouse tavern lacking affection and company bar the two gay guys who were with us (obviously they wouldn’t give us the cock we so sorely needed) so to put it bluntly we decided to share a male on this lonely evening, because it’s hard enough getting one, fuck try getting two. One way too easy text message later and we had a moderately attractive old friend of ours sitting across from us while we drank beer and gave him the eyes.

We were telepathically communicating between us thinking, “Oh yeah we can totally do this, it’s just another thing to check off the bucket list,” and, “Good friends share men, right?” and that’s exactly what we did. We ended up moving from the tavern to the beach side table, which was nice enough. At this point we were severely inebriated so we decided to come out with, “Hey fuckwit, why don’t you kiss both of us,” to which he did. X kisses him and then M goes in for sloppy seconds (we really do bring out the worst in each other, which you’ll learn from this story if you haven’t already yet). We both made our way laughing about what had just occurred to reach the car. We then proceeded to drive (pissed) to an old marijuana fucked friends house where we smoked his weed and bailed upon M getting creepy looks from Masturbation in Gimp Mask sitting across from us.

So by this point we would like to reinstate we were absolutely pissed, stoned and out of our fucking minds on prescriptions. Not a good mix for two horny/lonely girls. We arrive home, safely thank god, in a moment of reinforcement we both spent about ten minutes convincing the other that we weren’t fucking around. It went kind of like this:

 X: “I’m not fucking around here M, I’m dead serious, I hope you are too.”

M: “I swear to god X I’m so serious, we’ve come too far to turn back now.”

X: “We’ve already kissed him we may as well.”

M: “Okay, let’s do this, fuck I’m going to have to shave my vagina.”

X: “Me too, let’s just have a shower together and get the ball rolling.”

We entered the bedroom and went straight upstairs where we continued to pour ourselves more drinks, this time in the form of half a glass of vodka, mixed with a peach ice tea. We both skulled it down (like the semen we later consumed) and then moved onto the gin. We got into the shower together, grabbed a razor and went to town on our overgrown pubic hair, we said “fuck it” to legs and armpits because we didn’t have enough time, fuckwit was on his way, just make sure the pussy is half acceptable for penis contact without razor burn. We exited the bathroom and talked it through, what was acceptable, what wasn’t (lets face it, at this point, nothing was off limits). We ran around the room frantically lighting candles and playing music to set the horribly unromantic mood. Fuckwit arrived (for more information on fuckwit, see I Sucked His Dick And All I Got Was Semen) and in that moment, we were live. The threesome was about to unfold. You see, us both being new to the whole threesome thing we didn’t really know how to set it off. We laid in the bed awkwardly with the candles burning and the calm music playing and fuckwit in the middle of us. Him insisting that we were fucking with him.

In a moment of alcohol fuelled passion X flung upwards and engaged in a kiss with fuckwit. After this it all started to unravel, M beings to kiss fuckwit and the clothing begins to come off. We both lied together while this dickhead decided suck our nipples for a bit (mmm so pleasing) and then went down on us one at a time, and then alternating between the both of us. It was a fucking feeble attempt at getting us off; it felt like he was a lost puppy lapping up water after going a few days without. He also had a rough as fuck beard that felt like it was giving us chafe like the days of waterparks in board shorts.

You give head to receive head, right? So basically, we knew what had to be done. We looked at each other and did the slight nod of approval, since we were in this together; we made our way down together. We both started sucking him off at the same time, both taking turns individually but mostly, both of our mouths were on this fuckwits cock simultaneously. Deep throat by both and all. At this point we were running out of threesome ideas, we had done the obligatory heterosexual things and thought if we had come this far, why not go the whole nine yards? We’re good friends, better acquainted now obviously, we started hooking up with each other much to fuckwits pleasure and while he was kissing one of us we made our way down to lesbianism. Yes that’s right people, you read that correctly. We did a better job then this fuckwit did.

After seeing this whole thing go down he was ready for the intercourse. Us girls being very disease conscious and not knowing where he’s been asked if he had a condom at the ready. He said no and that was just not fucking acceptable. So we tell him to go and purchase some if he wants to fuck either of us. He sighed and said, “Are you fucking kidding me,” we looked at him and said, “No, we’re dead serious, get those pants on and get going.” He explained to us when he got back how he entered the 7/11 with scratches and hickeys all over his neck and chest and purchased condoms with an erect penis, apparently the guy at the shop was pissing himself laughing at this cock hole. He came back, condoms in hand and while he was gone we were both half asleep and ready for bed from all of the nights drug abuse.

He entered the bedroom rearing and ready to go, condom already unwrapped in hand to two girls lacking enthusiasm. He definitely tried to get some sort of intercourse out of us, he half entered M and that’s when we both decided, this could go no further. We both rolled over and said, “Nah, this is just not happening, we’re no longer interested,” he was disappointed to say the least, it looked like we had broken his heart and given him blue balls simultaneously. M then passed out, sprawled on the bed and poor, poor X had to spend the remainder of the night in another room with this dickhead.

All X wanted to do was go to sleep, which was understandable but this fuckhead was acting like a girl who had just been fucked and wanted to talk it all out. The gender roles were really reversed here. He was proclaiming his love for X over years of suffering in silence and X was cringing having to listen to this bullshit drivel. The sad thing is, M escaped this scot free, whereas I (X) went back for a second helping. I not only started seeing this cunt out of a drunken almost-threesome, but I also swallowed three loads of his gritty tasting cum which I will never fucking forget.

All we can say to wrap this up is that we need to reconsider our drunken/drugged decisions and stick to threesomes with guys who won’t attach. Just remember folks, good friends share men.

 - X&M

http://xkcdsw.com/content/img/2030.png

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Don’t stare into my eyes, longing for affirmation when you’re going down on me. 

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XXX strong clit

This is going to be a little quickie, not a disappointing sexual experience (if you could even call any that.)

I was staying at a male friends house (yes i say friend but refer to vomit cock for identity) and i was having a lovely shower before I had to put my vagina/ throat through another night of torment. 

He had a female house mate, so the shower product selection was impressive, i had quiet a fun time in there to say the least. I used at least 2 shampoos and conditioners, used her razor, and just pretty much took advantage of that shower like a relief teacher. As i nearly come to a conclusion of the shower experience I end up at one of those body washes that feels the need to tell you how many ‘whatevers’ they’ve used to make that shower gel.

This one was the mens ‘XXX extra strong mint’, being summer and being idiot me I decided to give this one a go, as I thought it’d give me a slight cooling body tingle. So I start lathering this gel all over my body and being an idiot I think ‘maybe if I wash my vagina with this it might taste minty when i force this cunt to lick my vagina for once.’ I don’t know why i even considered his taste buds (?) because all he ever did for my taste buds was make my mouth taste like what he ate two weeks prior that had decomposed/ and bile *refer to vomit cock*. But lets just clarify this was a fucking disgraceful decision. My vagina automatically went red and started burning, and I mean burning. I think i may have let out a little whimper, somewhat the sound of me getting fucked, as I sat on the floor of his shower, legs spread eagle trying to get this satan spawn wash out of my vagina. My vagina got all these little red bumps on it and wouldn’t stop burning for at least 48 hours, and the worst part is i actually ended up having sex with him, which felt like a grater was being taken to my insides. Moral of the story, don’t put anything even slightly minty near your vagina or you’ll end up looking like you’ve scabies on your vagina and an enlarged labia. 

- Z

image

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gildedcosmos said: How does one get reviewed?

Have sex with us and make it interesting, use your imagination, go wild. The more creatively bad the better really. Then check this blog on a regular basis- you might have made it.

Good luck.

XO A

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World Map of Average Penis Size by Nationality

Ask the guy you’re interested in “What’s your nationality?” and then check if it’s worth your time. 

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milkilla said: hahahah was looking through blogs that followed me and your url had me wondering but holy shit this is hilarious ahahhaha

Very glad that you enjoy our terrible sexual experiences. They make us cringe but as long as you find the humour in them it really keeps us going and not plummeting into a downward spiral of internalised humiliation and heavy drinking. 

- M

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Dick pics are never hot

- Z

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The Man Who Lost His Way (Intentionally)

This is a documentation of my latest sexual experience.

I was somehow roped into going and getting a beer with two of the most annoying people in the world at a bar in my suburb. I was in immense amounts of intellectual pain as I kept running out of small talk to entertain these girls with so I jumped on any other conversation I could find; the best coming from this mildly attractive, trendy as fuck guy that I apparently had a class at uni with a year ago (how he remembered me is concerning.)

Let me get this straight right, he had the classic long hair tucked behind ears, pretentious looking glasses (he claimed they were prescription but something that obnoxiously hipster could only have been picked up at a thrift store) and was wearing denim on denim, he was very fucking trendy it almost felt I was scrolling through a Tumblr dashboard just looking at him. We got talking, he was a pretty interesting guy, had a decent job, so in a moment of ‘thinking with my pussy’ I thought, “Hey, why not take him up on the offer to go back to his place.” I had it set in my mind there would be no sex, because apparently in my head I’m not that type of girl (positive affirmation).

Anyway, I get in his car and he drives to his (parents) house which was a decent hour away with no chance of public transport out of there so basically, I was in it for the long haul. It was nice enough, smoked a few cigarettes, talked about some pointless shit, he then out of nowhere said to me, “I have never met a person who comes across as cold and as cruel as you,” that was kind of a mood killer, I just awkwardly laughed and challenged it and then he came out with the weird line, “I don’t know why, I’m just really wondering what it would feel like to kiss you right now,” again I said, “Shit, that’d put a lot of pressure on the situation,” and dismissed it. He then proceeded to tell me I had a nice name and that it reminded him of his grandmother and how a man molested him… I was cringing so hard; I just let him go on.

We then move to the bed, he told me some bullshit story about how his laptop charger was broken so we’d have to skip the movie (sleazy move). I was mid sentence about my fear of blood when he basically pounced and intercepted my conversation with a huge, opened mouthed kiss. Romantic.

Things moved pretty fast, basically as soon as the kiss went down he had his hands down my pants; I felt pretty awkward about the whole situation but had consumed enough alcohol to let it happen. I then, obviously, went to reciprocate by touching his cock and he basically jumped back and said, “Now, I don’t want you to freak out if you find any lumps on my dick, I don’t have any diseases,” Wow, that’s really fucking reassuring. Of course I’m not going to want to touch your cock now that you’ve informed that it’s lumpy. I didn’t really know what to do and if I didn’t go on I’m sure he would have been offended, as he would be thinking I thought he had diseases or something. My mind wouldn’t stray from that comment so I asked him to put a condom on before I touched his dick. Talk about uncooperative…

Anyway things moved forward and he was going down on me in some weird positions, his tongue hit my asshole and I thought he may have just lost his way but a bit too much time passed and I found myself thinking, “Fuck is this guy giving me a serious rimjob?” I was pretty uncomfortable to start with but I didn’t want to ruin his moment so I let him go. I hate to say it wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Anyway after that he whispered in my ear (seductively?), “I’ve never felt so compelled to lick someone’s butthole before,” I have never been so shocked in my life (bar gimp mask) I didn’t know what to say. It was so awkward because I started laughing really hard. He got offended.

Push comes to shove and we have intercourse (he tried to put it in my ass a few times I was scared), it was half decent though. I didn’t know I was that flexible, he had me in a half backwards somersault at one point and I forgot about the sex and started thinking, “Fuck I wish someone could take a picture of this and send it to the dance teacher who never allowed me in the Can-Can because I wasn’t limber enough, fucking bitch,” He also tried to titty fuck me there for a little while, I didn’t think he was serious about it but apparently, he was. He then came without warning in my mouth; I manned up and swallowed, hating myself knowing that the next day I would be bedridden (semen doesn’t agree with me). I then went to sleep.

To put it bluntly, while in deep slumber enjoying my post-coitus relaxation, I was woken up to him having sex with me. Yes, that’s right, I woke up with cock inside me. Obviously I went with it. Not once, but twice. Fucking weird.

The next morning he held me in an embrace that I couldn’t get out of all night so I was really sweaty and gross. I made him drive me an hour home, he’s flown back to wherever the fuck he came from and messages me vulgar things when he’s drunk. He’ll be up again in a month; I’m scared for my assholes wellbeing. 

- M

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Anonymous said: These stories are hilarious but holy fuck most of your posters are racist assholes

Apologies about the racial slurs. None of us are actually racist, just expressing our dislike for the partners that failed miserably in the bedroom.

- B

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Anonymous said: One of the best blogs I've ever come across.

Thanks mate. Very much appreciated.

- B and X

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Anonymous said: Brilliant just brilliant simply a spectacular read amazing effort keep up the good work

Thanks for the kind words. If only our sexual partners put the same effort into the bedroom as we do this blog. - X

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